MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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