New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
