"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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