How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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