Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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