I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the condom got lost in my hair
I looked at my own cervix.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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