I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
