I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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