she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize