i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize