i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my sisters under your porch take her home
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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