He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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