the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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