I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
