I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
