I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I supernannyed him into submission
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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