My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
