he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
