Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
