I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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