I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
