the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
