it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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