I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
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