u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
