Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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