I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
