dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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