just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize