There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I need a beard to bite.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
