It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize