Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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