In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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