Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I want to have your abortion
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize