i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
