dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You need Xanax blowdarts
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
