i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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