hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The air was thick with penises
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
