i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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