Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
