went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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