sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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