I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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