someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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