quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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