Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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