new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize