How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I looked at my own cervix.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
