just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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