The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
