Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
