i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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