bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
