Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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