Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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