I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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