I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
