my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
