She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
