It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
