i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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