Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
