I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
