If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize