i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
