Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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