you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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